I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
You Might Also Like
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
bout dat hot dog summer
Baller is short for ballerina
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
wtf is an acronym
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!