Feels like the fourth month in January
You Might Also Like
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.