Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne