[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.