A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.