I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Well, this certainly took a turn
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that