[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”