we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’