*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”