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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
love it when they get my name right
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.