*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.