me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
We need more people like this.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you