Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I’ve had relationships like this
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*