My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.