Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff