My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views