An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
💻🤡
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP