[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
How funny!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
so, is there a mister shapen head
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops