[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not