Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito