Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Don’t we all.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.