I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.