[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
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if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.