I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
so weird how every mom was born today
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?