anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Did my cat write this
Just parrot things
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.