*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
get you a girl who
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.