What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
absolutely not
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
December birthdays be like…
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad