5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Y’all ready for this
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized