[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?