Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…