When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
You Might Also Like
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Hey I worked for it too!
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.