“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone