A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
dictator is short for richard potato
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon