BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.