Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?