Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”