me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.