Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
You Might Also Like
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.