People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.