After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*