If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
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[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My safe word is Worcestershire
and this one
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner