If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.