With this onion ring, I thee fed
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[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The USS B port
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!