I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The French cow says MEUX…
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead