Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My boss called in sick of me
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
What
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.