I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Your honor these allegations are
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.