AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
…u ok Nintendo?