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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
liiiiiiiiike
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.