My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you