[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
where the womens at?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can